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Thursday, October 9th, 2014
11:48 am - Starting over
Wow, well here I am, once again...starting over. I'm much more settled, confident and prepared than I was the last time. I'm on top of all my bills, I take care of myself, and my house is always clean. These things make me feel very secure, but obviously the trauma I've endured has caused me much anxiety. It's funny though, these awful events have led to important new friendships, and rekindling old ones as well. I'm especially excited that I'm able to reconnect with Ashbee. We were so very close before Matt and I began dating, and it was so much fun. I miss having fun guy friends. I also feel just so blessed bc I've been blown away by the tremendous support from Matt's friends. I considered us associates, but they have all been concerned for me, and want me to be okay. Speaking of which, seems my mom's side knows what went down and they're all very worried! I feel bad that they ever had to, but knowing how concerned they are really makes me feel loved. Jeremiah has been blowing me up as well, checking on me. That means more than I can say. He even tells me he loves me, we've never said that much before this last year! My biggest fear is having to tell the girls about Matt, answering their questions about him. I can't just say he's sick anymore. Maybe I will talk to Jeremiah about what they've said, or what I should say when they ask. Sigh. I'm still holding out hope that Matt will move to PA. He's gonna lose it when he finds out Ashbee and I are friends again and hanging out. Not that I care, I just don't want it to cause drama with Ashbee, since he's like the one friend Matt has left here. Even though Matt is not a good friend to him, accusing him of sleeping w me this whole time. Urgh. I took a mental health day yesterday, and it was glorious. I paid bills, shopped for stuff I really wanted, and spent time w Momma watching American Horror Story: Coven. I could tell she really enjoyed that. I realized being at work causes me anxiety, but so does discussing all the bs from the incidents, so I try not to talk about it anymore and focus on the now. Anywho, I should come back here soon and keep writing - so cathartic. Bye for now.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, September 6th, 2014
9:18 am - Dreams
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with 2 babies. Oddly enough, I became pregnant with the first long before I did the second, and they did not share a father, so technically they weren't twins. Matt was in the dream I think...but yet I cannot remember for certain which man it was taking care of me. Kristin was in it as well, pregnant with a baby girl. I loved the thought of being pregnant myself. I gave birth in a pool at the hospital, the girl then the boy. I held them as I birthed them, it was beautiful. I was so in-love with them both. Perhaps it was Scott who was by my side, not sure why I was thinking of him last night, but my subconscious is a funny thing. I woke up sad. Not pregnant, no idea of when I may actually become pregnant. It's for the best now, but it left me feeling empty. I'd rather not be concerned with an issue with the father of my child, but the experience in my dream is always such a wonderous thing. Oh well.

current mood: sad

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Monday, April 21st, 2014
6:05 pm - 9 years later...
I remember how this used to be my safe place...a journal, a blog, etc. A platform to spill my secrets and thoughts - a way to get it out of my head. Looking back, I should have never stopped writing. It's always been so therapeutic for me and I thought that by letting it all out here, it allowed me to set it all free. Although seeing a counselor has helped immensely over the years, I still sometimes feel tortured by my thoughts. I need a laptop for home to write again. Lately I've been told I'm constantly on repeat...I rehash and regurgiate when I'm really freaking out about something. What's great is that I can still pray and find a sense of peace about things.

Gotta cut this short, may write more later. :)

current mood: confused

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Friday, August 26th, 2005
10:19 pm - WHOA
Holy update!! yea, so its been almost 2 yrs. since i updated this, so what! LOL! Okay, so here's my life summed up: I'm engaged to Christopher DeVon Handgen (aka love of my freakin life!!!), we stay in an apt. together, i'm not in school anymore, i had a job but i lost it ("but it don't get to meeee" lol, Keith Urban), and....umm...i'm 23, lookin for a job and can't wait to get married, move into a house and have kids!!! Oooh yea, and i hate Mike! He's not what i always wanted, he isn't this phenomenal guy that i should've been longing for (for over 6 yrs), and let's just say i've slugged & slapped him around on 2 diff. occasions! So there, that's my life up-to-date, LOL! P.S. Chris is the most INCREDIBLE, wonderful, sweet, compassionate, loving, adorable, caring, supportive man i've ever met and i am SO lucky to have been blessed to meet him. I can be totally real w/him, open, honest and just...real! He's truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he's proof that dreams really do come true!! :) :) :)

current mood: giddy

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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
11:13 pm - Still missin you
Alright, so far me and Mikey have had 2 encounters that we're more than friendly hello's...onto the 3rd and most...um...interesting?? hehe. Last Saturday night, Chrissy and I were gonna go out to Whiskey Dicks dance club in K-zoo with Tony and Mike, but as we got to talking, we got on the topic of strip clubs and Tony was hooked. Mike suggested we go out to Deja Vu then the club, and me and Chrissy didn't really care, so thats what we decided to do. Chrissy and i got ready while the guys played drinking games for a few hrs. I pick em all up (got pulled over...another ridiculous story i'm leaving out!) got away w/a warning, don't worry, and headed to K-Zoo. The guys are mucho-drunk by this time and me and mike are in the backseat. He's flirting HARDCORE and just can't seem to keep his hands off me, as i kinda have to beat him off me w/a stick..seriously. LOL. So we get to the club, its interesting, not really sleazy but...its a strip club, so you know what to expect. If you really wanna know how into me Mike was, listen to this: he spent more time paying attention to me and getting all cozy than watching the freakin topless and yea, naked girls! Can you believe that?! He even yelled at Chrissy for talking to me b/c it took my attention away from him! what does THAT tell you?? Anyways, so yea he was preoccupied most of the night. THe way home was much like the way there..cuddling. Long story short, we get to Tony's, he has a blowout fight w/Jimmy, we leave and go to Mike's. We stay up and chat for awhile, then go to bed. I stay in his room, again, of course. We cuddle, talk, makeout, etc..til around 5am. THen...well...you figure it out. So if things aren't complicated enough as it is, now we've sealed the deal, 3 times, and pass out. Sleep til around 12:30 and get up for the Colts/Chiefs game. Again, its like old times, i felt completely comfortable the whole time with him, and it made me happy and scared to death at the same time. Here i'm faced with this situation that i've wanted forever and i don't know that it'll mean shit in the morning. But then i'm shocked b/c he helps us make lunch and we cuddle on the couch ALL day! Like nothing had changed from the evening, and we're laughing and having fun like...old times. It's so easy for us b/c we know each other so well, but still..i dunno. So later on he comes over for dinner, and goes home b/c he's real tired (i wonder why! lol). I haven't relaly talked to him since b/c he's been real busy w/work and classes. I told him tonite i want to talk to him seriously about stuff though, i want to be straight on where things are at w/us bc i dont wanna assume something that isnt there. I want to believe he'll consider trying starting something back up, but the nagging thought continues to haunt me...that he won't be so willing. I'm just going back into safe-mode i guess...fearing the worst, expecting the negative outcome as always. It's hard not to with him...he changes like the weather and it worries me. i hate building this sort of thing up in my head like i ALWAYS do, but i can't stop it. Part of me wants the life with him in which everything is goode, like it is in the beginning and doesn't change. While the other part has the bad feeling that it'll never last, and end up like every other attempt. i'm also afraid we'll get together and ill constantly fear him dumping me and screw it up like last time. i THINK too much, thats my problem. I need to just let things happen (damn psych major). I haven't seen him since Sunday and i miss him...i can't help it, he's my favorite drug. It's all his fault, lol. I've loved him for almost 5 yrs now, he's rugged and cute, he makes me laugh and feel goode. He's a great cuddler, he tells me i smell goode (which is so cute), great kisser, a goode listener...he's just a genuine person. But he tells me i don't disagree with him ever, which is true. He can't be with someone liek that, so i need to work on being real with him, not working around his thoughts just to please him. But i know how happy he makes me, i just love his presence. And anyone who knows me, knows that i'll NEVER freaking get over him as long as i live. Never. Ugh, one day this will be easier on me. I think my best bet is to leave things as they are, and just be content with the anticipation, b/c it's always better than the payoff anyways....Peace i'm OUT.

current mood: nervous

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10:20 pm - Missin you
Okay, and on to the Mike drama...well, not drama so much as a saga. Put it this way, it's like my life is one long episode of Dawson's Creek- i'm the less-wordy, more committed Joey Potter and Mike is the less-dense Dawson Leery. Yea, i watch too much tv, okay?!? LOL, anyways...on with it! Okay, a weekend b/4 i got back from break, i went out with Mike and Jimmy to the bar, bowling, then to another bar. We got pretty drunk but had a helluva time. So we get back to Jimmy's apt. and me and Mike crash on tha futon...okay well, Mike and I cuddle for awhile, get closer, then end up making out...WHOA! That's what we said anyways, and he's like "what are we doing, wahts goin on here?" Ummm...this coming from the guy with his tongue down my throat! (not complaining, okay?? lol, its all goode!) So then we're like, maybe we should'nt do this, and we talk about it for awhile. We decide to stop at that, b/c he's thinking maybe its a bad idea, and i'm sure he'll forget or regret it in the morning when he's sober, and i don't wanna look like a jackass. So we ignore the fact for a couple weeks, and i'm back for break. New Year's Eve rolls around and we make plans to party it up at his house w/Tony, Jimmy, Paige (J's g/f), her friend Amy, Chrissy, and my bro and his friend show up too. We had SUCH a great time! We all get pretty drunk (noticing a pattern here??) and let's just say me and Mike are becoming kinda friendly and such on account of everything. We kiss at midnight, hang out on the couch, bla bla. People start passing out so we head to his room to go to bed too. (i behaved mostly) So we cuddle AGAIN, makeout AGAIN, its all pretty normal at this point, b/c everytime we end up liek that, it just feels like old times so i don't relaly think much of it. So i bring up the subject of what we're doing there and what's happening. We talk a lot longer this time...he tells me what a sweet, great girl i am, and what an asshole he's been to me in the past, he's scared of hurting me, etc. He's sincere about it all, i know. It's that he's too nervous to tell me any other time and being intoxicated DOES bring out the truth. I just remind him that if he forgets or regrets what happens that night, i'm gonna be hurt regardless so i dont even want to pursue it and he agrees. At this i feel sad and roll over to the other end of the bed. 2 seconds later he rolls over and wraps his arms around me...this whole routine continues for awhile and i'm like okay whatever, and we just cuddle til we fall asleep. B/4 that, i start talkin about how sad i am to leave AU and all my friends, b/c i made such great friends this semester, and i start to cry...alot. This made him feel really bad for me i guess b/c he seemed genuinely concerned and it was kinda cute, he says things like "awe, i know it must be hard, i'm really sorry. That's gotta be tought." And holds me close to him. I can't help but be happy by that b/c it makes me feel like he wants me to be happy and feel protected. (i'm SUCH a sucker for this treatment, lol) ANYWAYS, this whole charade is kinda left behind as the week passes too, and isn't brought up again...except by Tony's dad, Doug, who proceeds to ask how hot n heavy we got that night, and still assumes i moved in w/Mike and married him! LOL. thanx, Doug! Okay, for the last and final incident i'm starting a new entry...its gonna be another long one! Peace, i'm OUT! *Byrd*

current mood: lonely

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
9:59 pm - Wow
Okay, it's been ~5 mos. since my last entry and MY how things have changed!!! Gosh, where to start...Okay, here goes! Got to AU, had a great beginning of the semester spending time with friends like Angela, Lauren, Sal, etc...Lauren TOTALLY backstabbed me <
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Okay, it's been ~5 mos. since my last entry and MY how things have changed!!! Gosh, where to start...Okay, here goes! Got to AU, had a great beginning of the semester spending time with friends like Angela, Lauren, Sal, etc...Lauren TOTALLY backstabbed me <<here, you might want this knife back, i'm sure you'll need it again soon.>> So i, for once in my life, stood up for myself and basically told her to screw off and the friendship was over b/c i'm sick of taking shit from people who don't truly care about me. So there! hehe...Anyhow, spent alot of time with Sal b/c he's just the best cunto ever...(inside joke.) We were pretty goode friends, still are. Anyways, met Anna J, hung w/her, Stace-face and some others and got SUPER-CLOSE w/Anna J. Got really behind in classes, starting screwing up real bad, got super-depressed (i was tested, and yes it SUCKED!) and basically isolated myself most of the time, crying for hrs. in my room alone or spending time out w/friends avoiding life and drinking. p.s. i'm NOT an alcoholic in case you were thinking of lecturing me, thanx. Anyways, i got so damn miserable b/4 Thanksgiving i wanted to leave AU as soon as possible but stuck it out and totally screwed every class i took, nearly failing everything. SO yea it got that bad. I came back home for winter break and the minute i got home i felt 10 times happier than b/4, i needed that break SO bad! :O Anywho, starting spending time w/friends and family, got my grades in the mail and about died of a heart attack-no lie. Never in my life have i performed so horrifically in one class, let alone 5. After nearly giving up on college entirely (btw i'm a senior..yea, way to f*ck up your last yr, right?!). But after a long discussion and lots of tears, i regrettedly decided to leave AU for goode and transfer to IUSB, so FYI, i'm in Elkhart permanently...or til i decide to move far, far away. So let's see that brings us to date i think...in a HUGE nutshell! (i left alot of goode times/memories out of this for sake of space and time, but there were alot of reasons why this semester was so terrible, too long to explain.) i've never felt pain or sadness so deep as i did the previous 2 months at AU, though. I never cried so long, so hard, and had no idea why i was so sad...it's a terrible thing to go thru, and man did i want to ignore it and deny it, so facing the reality of being "moderately depressed" was upsetting in and of itself, in addition to the associated symptoms. but enuf of all that. NEXT!!


current mood: tired

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
10:25 am - hey!
hiya guys! ya i know it's been awhile, but i've been SUPER busy, so bear with me! :) Well, i'm back @ AU like a bad habit, haha. I'm loving tha whole room situation...in that i live all by my sweet lil self! its great. I've been having fun since i've been back, goin to tha bar w/my favorite clitterbug, Sal...Taco Bell Tuesday kicked off last night w/Friend (aka Lauren)...and pretty much missing my friends back home. Especially T-bone...i was packing to leave saturday as i attempted to stop crying incessantly...it was very hard to leave him and Jimmy. Sunday was okay til everyone left and i was sittin alone in my room, puttin up pictures and started wishin i was back home so i could go visit tony and jimmy for awhile! :( what can i say, i got super-attached to those guys when i was home...they threw a going-away party for me last friday, at hacienda for dinner and then to The Landing to go dancing...but too bad i went to tha wrong hacienda and ended up an hr. and 1/2 late to my own party!! :( needless to say i was unhappy about that. But tha club was pretty fun! I'm super excited about coming home this weekend, i can't wait!! I'll be there friday thru monday afternoon, and my parents are gonna be gone (that doesnt necessarily equate to party at my house tho!! hahaha). but on a great note, tony & jimmy's dad/stepmom will be outta town too so we're definitely partying at some point! I did get some relief on Monday about being friend/home-sick...Tony called me during night class and i got ahold of him, he misses me just as much and can't wait for me to be back too. :) he's too cute! well i gotta go search for a book here but i'll try to update as soon as i can! Love y'all!! oh ya, p.s. some girl is trying to get me to let her use this name and take over my journal...but i doubt that will happen!! hahah...sorry chic, but i own babybird...deal with it. ;) Peace, i'm out!

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
10:55 pm - here it is, kids!
A point to ponder: "Life's a bitch like that...its a cycle of hell and sometimes when you're lucky, ya get a lil bit of heaven...but not often.
its a tease to make us not kill ourselves i guess." Well, that bout sums it up! I think all my friends agree, haha. But i only speak the truth.... lol :) Hoo-ray!

current mood: drunk

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5:43 pm - Hmmm
I know i haven't written in here forever...i've been SO busy lately, but it's been fun stuff so i guess that is good. I'm comin home soon, on May 8th. And then i'll be at my new house, hooray! P.S. my new address is 57028 Rutledge Ct. in Karrington Kove off of CR13. I'm gettin a new home # too, but i don't have that yet. Anywho...i finally got to hang out w/Garrod for the first time in about 2 months last weekend, that was cool. Gosh i'm so ready to meet someone new so i can just fall for em and move on w/my life, but that's too much to ask, lol. So how bout i was just reading old emails and i came across one from Mike last spring break...things were alot different back then. But oh-well, i'm really not in the mood to start stressin that kid again. I'm pretty much over all that b.s. and tryin to figure out what i really want for my life now. I'm still workin on gettin my internship this summer, but i'm pretty sure i waited too damn long to get it...my fault though. Well, i'm gonna go find somethin to do for now, maybe i'll write more later. I still got my cell, 361-5177, so hit me up sometime guys! ;) Peace, i'm out!

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
4:52 pm - Hooray!!
Monday was a great day, and today is a pretty good day too. I didn't think i'd get a date for our Delta Zeta Formal next Saturday night, but today i asked my friend Sal and he was like yea i'll go. YAY!! I'm surprised no one has asked him b/4! But i'm pumped, i gotta get a dress now, lol. And this weekend is gonna be kick-ass b/c Saturday is my bday and we're goin CLUBBIN!! Hell yea, 21 baby! Exciting...i just hope my friends can all come so it can be more fun. ;) Anywho..gosh im so tired, i've been going non-stop all day, i need a break. I'm gonna get outta here. Peace, i'm OUT!! ;) lata haterz.

current mood: giddy

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Sunday, March 16th, 2003
5:30 pm - Spring break = over...
Yep,i'm back from Panama City Beach, Florida. I miss it lots but i am glad to be back too. Mostly b/c it means my bday is only 6 days away!!! Hooray for 21!!~ I'm comin home this weekend to celebrate and get a lil crazy ;) Panama was GREAT, i had a lot of fun and i only made out w/one guy, lol. okay, i kissed another one but it was stupid b/c it was on a bet we made and i lost, lol. i ended up ditching him soonafter b/c he was kinda boring. Anywho...i got tan, sorta! I burned a lil but it'll be a tan soon. ;) The trip there was bumpy and adventurous but we made it and the weather was great during the week. We met some great guys and ate really good food! *Definitely lived off grilled cheese on the george foreman grill all week, lol. Here are some highlights from our trip:
-"Swamp!" ~Scuba
-"Is that a blue horse?" ~Jen
-Holy Chevron!
-Hoo-ray! ~Ang
-Chi-town boys
-TWINS!!
-PJ aka pimp juice
-making out at Spinnakers. LOL!
-2 visits from Harwat!
-Grilled Cheese...everyday!
-"our goal: make tha cover of girls gone wild!" ~j/k!!
-"It's my birthday!!! I'm 21!!" -yes KT, we know!!!!
-Pineapple Willy's and Laguna Bar n Grill...YUM!!
-Fat Tony's, $2.50 hat and orange monster ~Ball State boys!
-"You're an asshole!..." ~great song!
-Seeing 50 Cent walk into the club.
-Outrageous trip thru Alabama!
-Making it home first...priceless!!
And that's just a few of the memorable moments! It was fun and i'll never forget it. well gotta go, peace i'm out!

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
11:34 am - AHHH!!!
Yesterday was a terrible day for a couple of reasons, and it seemed like it lasted forever. Well it's filtered on through to today as well, seeing as how i was up all night and morning studying for an anatomy test that i failed at 10am today. I'm also mad at myself b/c i'm slowly wanting Mike back (for what reason i'm still not sure..its messed up). And the more i talk to him, the more i subtly try to engage ways of us hanging out and stuff, and he's just eating it up! I asked him to come party w/me at Mike Stevens' house sometime and he's all for it, "i think i would have fun, i just might have to do that." Really?? Mind you, he wouldn't barely talk to me last Sunday, lol. And just to be dumb, i emailed him about being excited for 50 Cent at spring break and he im'd me (which he never does) and was like, "right on, thats badass!" I had my away msg. on too, but i took a study break to talk to him a lil bit. Here's the thing: i dont necessarily want to date him again, i'm not sure that i even like him as much as i think! I guess just being able to spend time w/him again sparks my interest. Yea, i'm messed up! I just wish this day was over, i'm tired and hungry and cranky...bleh. Peace, i'm out! :/

current mood: annoyed

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Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
1:07 am - Hmmm
Well, last night i guess i still had Mikey on the brain b/c he appeared randomly in my dream, lol. Except he was kinda shady...he walks past me and says "Hi, hi friend, hey you're cool!" But he was doin it to mock me, so it wasn't cool,lol. Oh-well! So i got some freakin GREAT news today! 50 Cent is gonna be in our hotel performing (in OUR hotel!) on the 10th when we're there!!! AHH!! How awesome is that?? I'm hoping Eminem makes a guest appearance, yea baby! LOL ;) So um, yea next week "you can find me in da club", chillin w/50 Cent! Anyhow, thats just super. I was inspired today too, a song came to me when i was doin my homework and its pretty good. I kinda forgot the tune but oh-well. Sadly, it's about um..him..um....yea. But did i mention it was good?? hehe, so its another freakin love song about an ex, big deal. :)~ It's still a song, my 5th one so far, but my 3rd complete one. Actually, the title is "Complete" lol. Well its gettin late and i need to go to bed! So we'll see what happens...lata hatas! Peace, i'm out!

current mood: ecstatic

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Sunday, March 2nd, 2003
9:55 pm - The plot thickens...lol
This weekend wasn't too bad. I stayed in Friday night and then Saturday night i went over to Mike Stevens' to hang with them and Becky. I had fun, we partied, and Bubba let me drive his Avenger! :) it was FUN! The night was fun until i was goin to sleep and Bubba was like, so what happened to us? Okay, we were never together, for the record, not even talking. But he thinks we were talking and just stopped. I was like, well i didn't want a relationship w/you, so...and he's like, not romantically?? Nope. So then he sat there and was like well we're friends right? Yep. He was like okay, hug? So i gave him a hug and he kept tryin to kiss me, like he does everytime he's drunk. i turned my head away and he finally gave up. (SHEESH!) Then this afternoon was Heather's baby shower. It was pretty cool. I got there and her mom Denise gave me a big hug! I knew most of her fam. and friends, so i sat w/them. Mike (Carey) was there, which i figured he would be, but he was by himself at a table and kept quiet. Finally i was like, Hi Mike! So he responded, lol. I ended up sittin w/him at the table during the games cuz he was all alone. He didn't look too bad, he's lettin his hair grow out, like most guys these days, lol. I was SO nervous seeing him at first, my hands were even shaking so bad i could barely drink my punch! I think he was nervous seeing me again too b/c he seemed real shy and quiet. But i left early to finish shopping and head for Ohio. I talked to Mike a lil bit tonite, and he was tellin me that heather and her friends/fam. always liked me best. :) I knew that, but it was nice hearing him say it still. I mentioned that i go to Mike Stevens' alot when im back, and he made a comment, so i told him to go there sometime and hang out. Since he lives hidden in the woods in Bristol, he could get out and party a lil bit. He said he'd like that. I prolly shouldn't get excited over this, b/c its bad for me but i cant help it and i honestly am hoping we can hang out more. Not that we can hook up again, just to be close like friends, like b/4 is all. (yes, i still have feelings for him, they'll never go away so what am i supposed to do!?) Anyhow...YEA okay so we flirt online (and are scared of each other in person, lol!) SO WHAT! HAHAH. Thas my life for ya...Oh yea, and i'm scheming a great plan for my bday...haha! It's gonna be great. ;)

current mood: flirty

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Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
12:13 am - Interesting...
Okay, remember how i said i missed shamelessly flirting w/Mike? um yea so we had pretty funny and almost flirty conversation the other night, and my horoscope for the day said: "Charming Aries has the world on a string right now. Flirt shamelessly with anyone you're interested in." Ahhh...riiight. lol, kinda ironic huh? Anyways, he sent me this survey that i was to fill out about him, and so i did and told him to fill it out about me...He was pretty accurate for almost all of the questions, some i thought were pretty funny. He said my best feature physically was my ass, lol...good call! :) another question was "Am i funny?" and he put "cheeky monkey" which is our old inside joke, lol. ;) And a good one was, "If you had to chose one thing to change about me, what would it be?:too nice, just j/k thats a good trait." And this one he was dead-on about, "What's my biggest fear?: being hurt again"~he should know, he's the one who hurt me b/4 and caused me to fear it basically. But i just thought the whole conversation and survey thing was funny. ;)~ He was bein a dork but in a flirtatious way, cuz i just know how that goes. But that doesn't mean that i got all excited, i was happy about it, but it didnt make me think we'd get back together and thats okay. we just had fun being friends, and that is cool w/me.
Jermaine is like, totally obsessed with me now, i dont know exactly where that came from, but he's all about me in every way these days. I talked to him from 12:30am til 6:30am thurs. night (6 hrs!) about so much stuff...it was nuts! but he also put on my survey that my butt was my best physical aspect. lol. i'm starting to get the hint! LOL. Anyways...i talked to my Bryon last night, that was cool. i'm supposed to hang w/him sometime this weekend. Well i gtg, goodnight. Peace, i'm out!

current mood: confused

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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
12:40 am - GRRRR
I'm sleep-deprived from studying all night for a philosophy exam. But i did really good, so i guess it was worth it. But i'm so sore and tired, and slightly cranky. Um, yea and okay im frickin obsessing...about, uh DUH. Guess who? Geez-ow...i've seriously got a complex i think. Maybe? Guess i should know, i'm supposed to become the therapist, lol. But seriously, i was thisclose to making it all go away and put in the past, but NOOOO...the safeguard that he was dating Cris is now out of the picture, he's all alone and i pathetically miss him again. But i just keep askin myself what it is that i miss, if it is significant. But it is, i miss the walks in the park, goofin around wherever, shamelessly flirting and just hanging out. If i could've controlled my hang-ups and obsessiveness, things might be different, but it isn't and i'm accepting that. Now if only the dreams would stop, unconscious thoughts thru manifest content in my dreams is NOT appreciated! hehe, its just teasing me with something i'll never get back. Damn the man...lol. ;) Well i'm terribly exhausted, sore, you know the deal. I'm out, i need SLEEP, preferrably free from dreams of someone...okay. Peace, i'm out! p.s. i just want someone to love!! is that too much to ask?? okay, well specifically one who loves me back.

current mood: lonely

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Friday, February 14th, 2003
11:20 pm - so....
Happy single's awareness day!! LOL! That's what Mike H. calls it, anyway. Oh yea, and me and him decided to officially change Valentine's Day to "celebrate Mike Harwat's Birthday" Day. ;) Oh yea...so tha other Mike and his girl broke up...interesting. I was really happy to find out, but im NOT gonna obsess over it b/c that is stupid. I just keep in mind how when i was with him, i was sad even though we were together. Anyhow...i'm home this weekend, and gonna be home NEXT weekend and the one after that! Ugh...not by choice, but i have ANOTHER eye appt. next friday, and the sunday after next is Heather's baby shower. Hooray! :) i haven't seen her in forever, so it should be fun. Well, since i'm single and lonely, i'm gonna go watch a movie by myself...woohoo! LOL. Well i'm out, lata haters!

current mood: lonely

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Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
12:16 am - woohoo
So it's officially 2 months from my 21st bday!! :) And less than 2 months from now i'll be sittin on tha beach in Panama city beach, Florida. hooray! So to totally change the subject, last night i was talkin to my ex, Jason. And i guess he really misses me...i told him awhile back that i missed him still, and he is starting to think so too. He calls me randomly every once in a while, which is cool. But i really dont think i can do anything about it now cuz we live far apart either way. okay, i think i did say somethin about this the other day, but oh-well, its my journal!! :) so...but he is a lil cutie, and i guess i do still miss him. But i'm not tryin to do anything w/him now. Well...i'm outta here, its VELVEETA SHELLS AND CHEESE time!!! Roommate bonding time, lol. ;) Peace, i'm out!

current mood: hyper

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Monday, January 20th, 2003
9:54 pm - well...
Well, after a quick weekend being sick for most of the time, i'm back at AU. I miss home already and i just got back. It really sucked that i was sick, b/c i didnt get to do half of what i wanted to, esp. hang w/Garrod more. Oh-well, thas life huh? i'm feeling much better though, my cold is almost gone (thank GOODNESS!) So now i just gotta pray it doesnt come back. oh yea, and Jason really misses me. ;) I miss him too, and part of me wishes i could work something out w/him but its just kinda impossible b/c of where we are. That and i really like Garrod, lol. ;) i don't know where it'll lead us but we'll just have to see for now. Oh yea, and yesterday i had a good convo w/Mike, surprise! He told me i was smart, lol. i was like, thanks! well i'm out, i gotta read and sleep b/c i'm so freakin tired from driving!! bleh! peace, i'm OUT!

current mood: cranky

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