Sarah (babybird) wrote,

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Still missin you

Alright, so far me and Mikey have had 2 encounters that we're more than friendly hello's...onto the 3rd and hehe. Last Saturday night, Chrissy and I were gonna go out to Whiskey Dicks dance club in K-zoo with Tony and Mike, but as we got to talking, we got on the topic of strip clubs and Tony was hooked. Mike suggested we go out to Deja Vu then the club, and me and Chrissy didn't really care, so thats what we decided to do. Chrissy and i got ready while the guys played drinking games for a few hrs. I pick em all up (got pulled over...another ridiculous story i'm leaving out!) got away w/a warning, don't worry, and headed to K-Zoo. The guys are mucho-drunk by this time and me and mike are in the backseat. He's flirting HARDCORE and just can't seem to keep his hands off me, as i kinda have to beat him off me w/a stick..seriously. LOL. So we get to the club, its interesting, not really sleazy but...its a strip club, so you know what to expect. If you really wanna know how into me Mike was, listen to this: he spent more time paying attention to me and getting all cozy than watching the freakin topless and yea, naked girls! Can you believe that?! He even yelled at Chrissy for talking to me b/c it took my attention away from him! what does THAT tell you?? Anyways, so yea he was preoccupied most of the night. THe way home was much like the way there..cuddling. Long story short, we get to Tony's, he has a blowout fight w/Jimmy, we leave and go to Mike's. We stay up and chat for awhile, then go to bed. I stay in his room, again, of course. We cuddle, talk, makeout, etc..til around 5am. figure it out. So if things aren't complicated enough as it is, now we've sealed the deal, 3 times, and pass out. Sleep til around 12:30 and get up for the Colts/Chiefs game. Again, its like old times, i felt completely comfortable the whole time with him, and it made me happy and scared to death at the same time. Here i'm faced with this situation that i've wanted forever and i don't know that it'll mean shit in the morning. But then i'm shocked b/c he helps us make lunch and we cuddle on the couch ALL day! Like nothing had changed from the evening, and we're laughing and having fun like...old times. It's so easy for us b/c we know each other so well, but still..i dunno. So later on he comes over for dinner, and goes home b/c he's real tired (i wonder why! lol). I haven't relaly talked to him since b/c he's been real busy w/work and classes. I told him tonite i want to talk to him seriously about stuff though, i want to be straight on where things are at w/us bc i dont wanna assume something that isnt there. I want to believe he'll consider trying starting something back up, but the nagging thought continues to haunt me...that he won't be so willing. I'm just going back into safe-mode i guess...fearing the worst, expecting the negative outcome as always. It's hard not to with him...he changes like the weather and it worries me. i hate building this sort of thing up in my head like i ALWAYS do, but i can't stop it. Part of me wants the life with him in which everything is goode, like it is in the beginning and doesn't change. While the other part has the bad feeling that it'll never last, and end up like every other attempt. i'm also afraid we'll get together and ill constantly fear him dumping me and screw it up like last time. i THINK too much, thats my problem. I need to just let things happen (damn psych major). I haven't seen him since Sunday and i miss him...i can't help it, he's my favorite drug. It's all his fault, lol. I've loved him for almost 5 yrs now, he's rugged and cute, he makes me laugh and feel goode. He's a great cuddler, he tells me i smell goode (which is so cute), great kisser, a goode listener...he's just a genuine person. But he tells me i don't disagree with him ever, which is true. He can't be with someone liek that, so i need to work on being real with him, not working around his thoughts just to please him. But i know how happy he makes me, i just love his presence. And anyone who knows me, knows that i'll NEVER freaking get over him as long as i live. Never. Ugh, one day this will be easier on me. I think my best bet is to leave things as they are, and just be content with the anticipation, b/c it's always better than the payoff anyways....Peace i'm OUT.
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