Sarah (babybird) wrote,

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Starting over

Wow, well here I am, once again...starting over. I'm much more settled, confident and prepared than I was the last time. I'm on top of all my bills, I take care of myself, and my house is always clean. These things make me feel very secure, but obviously the trauma I've endured has caused me much anxiety. It's funny though, these awful events have led to important new friendships, and rekindling old ones as well. I'm especially excited that I'm able to reconnect with Ashbee. We were so very close before Matt and I began dating, and it was so much fun. I miss having fun guy friends. I also feel just so blessed bc I've been blown away by the tremendous support from Matt's friends. I considered us associates, but they have all been concerned for me, and want me to be okay. Speaking of which, seems my mom's side knows what went down and they're all very worried! I feel bad that they ever had to, but knowing how concerned they are really makes me feel loved. Jeremiah has been blowing me up as well, checking on me. That means more than I can say. He even tells me he loves me, we've never said that much before this last year! My biggest fear is having to tell the girls about Matt, answering their questions about him. I can't just say he's sick anymore. Maybe I will talk to Jeremiah about what they've said, or what I should say when they ask. Sigh. I'm still holding out hope that Matt will move to PA. He's gonna lose it when he finds out Ashbee and I are friends again and hanging out. Not that I care, I just don't want it to cause drama with Ashbee, since he's like the one friend Matt has left here. Even though Matt is not a good friend to him, accusing him of sleeping w me this whole time. Urgh. I took a mental health day yesterday, and it was glorious. I paid bills, shopped for stuff I really wanted, and spent time w Momma watching American Horror Story: Coven. I could tell she really enjoyed that. I realized being at work causes me anxiety, but so does discussing all the bs from the incidents, so I try not to talk about it anymore and focus on the now. Anywho, I should come back here soon and keep writing - so cathartic. Bye for now.
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